Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
