If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
