So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
