Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
