I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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