Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize