I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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