I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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