It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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