Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I AM VODKA MAN
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
