Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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