thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
