You smell like stripper and shame
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
