My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
