How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
