you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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