Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
