He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
