hotel room ftw
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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