True but thats because hes a fetus.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
tonight lets celebrate not being married
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
