Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
