the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
