I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
