I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
