Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
That accounts for only three of the penises
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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