i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
