I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
