great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
one might say we're banned from that church
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize