Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
