Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
