Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
