Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
