i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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