Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
