Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
