i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize