I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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