The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
