Dude my mom stole all your condoms
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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