Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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