I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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