im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
