another moral hangover. fuck.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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