He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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