Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
