omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
