Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
