What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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