I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
