mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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