I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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