The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
