why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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