On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
