I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
