Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
