Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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