if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
My first STD was from a foam party
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
