Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
