I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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