I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
