Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
