I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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