last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I want a musical about memes.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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