i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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