Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
