I skipped work to stalk him.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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