Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize